


Don't Leave Me This Way

by myfreckledconstellations



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: (at least not in this fic), F/F, F/M, Hanji is nonbinary, Jean has anxiety and is schizophrenic, Jean's mom is dead, M/M, Marco and Mina are related, Marco is suicidal and has really bad depression, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Self-Harm, Severe Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, and have been since kids, annie came in last to the group though, but im no pedo, but they dont do anything sexual until after they both turn 18 >:(, eren and armin will eventually, ill add on tags as i remember details, jean and marco date, mikasa and sasha have a thing for like two seconds but ultimately, mikasa is ace/aro, no mikasa and eren arent dating, pshhh, reiner annie and bert live in a house together, severe anxiety, so she won't really want a romantic relationship, super unrealistic i know, they are orphans but theyre in foster care together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 22:49:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11195079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myfreckledconstellations/pseuds/myfreckledconstellations
Summary: Jean is young. He should be lucky to be alive. He should feel grateful for all that been done for him. But ever since the day he lost his mother... Ever since the fire that took everything away from him burned its way into his mind... He's been empty. Nothing can remind him of the warmth that was once given and ripped away just a quickly. How much longer will he last before the burning sensation in his lungs finally erupts?Marco is young. He should look forward to the future. His family moved to Trost for a new beginning, God knows there wasn't a future for him in Jinae. But, why does he feel so empty? With his twin sister Mina by his side, and his loving parents so close, why should his chest feel so hollow? Why does his heart feel so iced over? And how much longer before the cracks of his smiling mask begin to grow before it finally shatters?Is it possible for them to find comfort in each other?





	Don't Leave Me This Way

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys!! I actually have this planned out already and the first two chapters already written. I'll do my best to update this once a week but its really more of a therapy thing for me. 
> 
> Some trigger warnings:
> 
> \- Jean has very bad anxiety, is mildly schizophrenic, and has dissociative episodes!  
> (I sculpted Jean's mental alignment closely with mine, so a lot of his episodes are related to ones I myself have had.)  
> \- Marco is suicidal but it won't start to show more until the next few chapters  
> \- Jean's mother is dead and he has frequent nightmares about the event that get more and more vivid
> 
> some cool things:  
> -Jean and Marco's dreams are linked, you'll see this in the next chapter so keep it in mind as you read!!  
> -Hanji is non-binary and will use they/them  
> -Jean is a HUGE weeb (like he wants to cosplay) and Bleach is his favorite anime (his favorite character is Uryu, Eren's is Ichigo). Eren and Jean have been watching is together for forever and keep up with the manga updates too. Mikasa likes Black Rock Shooter, and the three of them watch Cowboy Bebop and Rurouni Kenshin together after homework because Eren swears that the classics are so much better then all the new stuff coming out (and Jean has to agree completely bcs he thinks Spike is hot and Kenshin is his dream boy)  
> -Jean is gay but he's too wrapped up in his mental down spiral to worry about his sexuality (but he has no problem with his sexuality and neither does anyone else)  
> -Marco is bisexual (fun fact: Jean will be the first boy he ever dates, before him, it had always been girls. for no particular reason, just simply because the girls at his old school were prettier and all the guys were assholes. Mina always had the prettiest friends too.)  
> -Eren and Jean get along well. They're good friends and great family, Eren worries about Jean a lot. (they're actually cousins so pls dont ship them)

_Screaming..._  

_Crying…_

_Begging…_

 

 _“Please.. Please just save him…”_ I hear a familiar voice whimper as I open my eyes.

It’s warm, _very_ warm. I try to move but someone holds me protectively, refusing to let go. I look up to see my mother hovered over me, I yell at her to move so we can get out but she won’t look at me. Her eyes are glassy, cheeks stained with tears and she holds me close to her chest. I keep trying but each time I urge her to let go to escape her eyes gloss over with more tears until they eventually start to fall. I can hear screaming as the background begins to fade in and i can see the flames surrounding us.

 

 _“Maman?”_ I mumble and try to wipe away her tears, only for them to be replaced soon after.

Suddenly I’m being torn away, I grasp with all the fear and strength I have to my mother. Slipping from her hold as what I think is a fireman pulls me away until I lose her altogether.

 

 _“Bring her too, you idiot!”_ I scream, fisting my hands and hitting the man’s back as hard as possible. I look up to watch my mother, still there, still alone. I’m tearing up and biting my lip trying to stay composed (I don’t see why this is hardly the time to stay composed). I struggle in the man’s hold, trying to reach her, trying to urge her to come when I notice the ceiling begin the dip in. My eyes go wide and everything seems slow, I look at her quickly,

 _“MAMAN!”_ I scream, _“Maman, Je t’aime! Maman, Non! Tu dois aller! Maman, tu dois vivre! MAMAN S'IL VOUS PLAÎT MON DIEU! TU NE ME PEUX PAS QUITTER,_ _JE T'AIME! ”_  I can see her begin to smile and look up at me. I watch her mouth something back at me and I sob while the man finally pulls me through the front doors of the building as it collapses on top of her. When I’m let down I drop to my knees, screaming and crying and cursing between two different languages as a crowd watches me from behind yellow tape. A group of cameras and a few channels switch to me exclusively but I don’t care enough to tell get mad at them for profiting off my trauma.

 

I sit there on the asphalt, hunched over, fists clenched against the ground and sobbing. When I finally calm down a bit I feel someone set their hand on my shoulder but I can’t bring myself to see who it is. 

 _“Jean?”_ ...Eren? But that’s impossible I didn’t meet you until after- _“Jean! Jean, Mom told me to come wake you up-”_

I open my eyes quickly to see Eren standing over me, the key on his necklace dangling in my face as he hovers casually. I can feel the cold air of September blowing in from my balcony and I _swear_ I can hear a faint yell from across the street but Eren doesn’t seem to pay attention. But more importantly, why does my face feel wet? Why do I hear J-POP music- wait is that Cinema Staff? Fuck, I love them...Wait- shit that’s my alarm.

 “Jean, your alarm has been going off for the last 10 minutes, have you seriously not heard it?” Eren nags as I sit up in my twin sized bed, shutting it off. When I look closer, I see he was wearing his usual get up. A green and white baseball tee with some blue jeans and converse, “Jean- are, have you been crying? What happened- did you have another nightmare?”

 “Eren it’s too early to be asking this many questions,” I mumble as I wipe off my tears and pull myself out of bed. “A nightmare would be putting it lightly- it felt more like a movie. A very real, very scary movie.”

 I walk over to my closet and rummage through my hangers before pulling out my favorite forest green hoodie and my black jeans. Eren sighs and crosses his arms, “Jean come on, seriously this is like the fourth nightmare you’ve had in the last week, what the hell is going on? Have you been skipping therapy?”

 “Eren, of course not, mom- your mom pays too damn much for me to go to those things, why would I skip out on her like that?” I hiss, pulling off my sleep shirt and tugging on my hoodie.

 Eren looked me sympathetically as I unfold my jeans, “She’s not just my mom, Jean. She’s yours too, you know that, the adoption agency knows that, you don’t need to act like she’s not...” Okay, that slowed me down. I mean, he’s not wrong. Carla, she cares about me a lot. Grisha too. Ever since my mom- her sister -died in that fire she hasn’t left my side. She and Grisha legally adopted me about 8 years after the incident as a 16th birthday present. I was thrilled, Eren and Mikasa showed me nothing but kindness after I began living with them, and their parents treated me as their own. They all did…

 “Yeah, I know…” I knit my eyebrows and huff as I pull on my jeans over my socks and boxers.

 “While we’re talking, you seriously need to stop sleeping with your socks on, it’s like you’re some kind of alien or something.” Eren cringes and falls back onto my bed.

 “Hey, you asshole I thought you said you were in a hurry?!” I sneered at him, finishing tying up my white all-stars before picking up my phone and my satchel. “And what do you mean _I’M_ the alien? You’re the one who bites right through ice cream like some kind of demon.” I retort with a huff as I pull my satchel over my shoulder, fishing out my headphones while I walk through the door to the kitchen. Eren moves to sit down at the table next to Mikasa but I stand at the doorway for a moment.

 Carla- _Mom_ stands at the stove flipping pancakes as Grisha pulls out plates and cups from the cupboard. She looks so calm and inviting as the morning sunlight pours through the blinds, I can’t help but watch her. She was wearing her usual yellow blouse- the puffy one with the shoelace neckline, her blue jeans and some white keds with her frilly white apron that Mikasa made for her in her freshman year home ec class. She wasn’t wearing makeup, she never does, and she only ever has her hair in the same long, loose side ponytail. It’s always consistent, always the same. It’s was comforting, knowing there weren’t any surprises. Dad looked the same as always, his white color top and slacks with his nice shoes. They look like such a casual pair, so seemless. When she notices me watching her she switches her attention quickly to show me her smile.

“Good morning, boys!” she speaks gently as she turns off the stove top and rations out the stack of pancakes between the 5 of us.

“Good morning, mom!” Eren and I call back to her, approaching the table.

 “Good morning Jean.” I hear Mikasa garble from the table. She was dressed in a white top and blue jeans with black flats, her red cardigan hanging on the chair.

 “Mika don’t talk with your mouth full.” Grisha sighs as he puts down a glass of water at each place mat, “Good Morning Jean, Eren.” Mikasa mumbles an apology as she wipes her mouth and then takes a sip of her drink.

 “Jeez Mika, couldn’t wait for the rest of us?” Eren whines, leaning back in his chair as Mikasa shrugs in response.

 “Jean?” Carla hums, sitting down next to Grisha as while I turn to face her, “Did you brush your hair? It looks like a mess…” I don’t really get it. It’s all so casual. I don’t understand.

 “I can do it after we eat.” I smile at her and sit down next to Mikasa. Grisha hands out the rest of the plates and sits down, “Jean I had to change your therapy meeting with Dr. Hanji to today, is that okay? It takes you out of your first two classes.” he mentions as he cuts into his stack.

 Great. I take a bite of mine, thinking as I chew. “Yeah, I don’t think we had any homework due today in those classes so it should be fine. Besides, I’m just a TA to the French teacher in second period, they won’t miss me.” I respond then take a sip of my water.

 “Such is the luxury of a student who already knows French and just so happened to have a pass on P.E. classes.” Carla laughs.

 “Yeah, I guess so.” I smile back at her.

 The rest of breakfast went on like normal. Grisha asks Carla to remind him to get Eren’s ADHD medicine refilled while he’s at his office (he’s a doctor). We put out our plans for the week. Eren and Mikasa scarf down their meals quickly, they always do. Then rush to grab their stuff to meet Armin outside so they could walk to school. Kissing mom and dad’s cheeks quickly and telling me they’d let my first two teachers know about my appointment before dashing off. Always the same. Always consistent.

 

* * *

 

“Jean?” Dr. Hanji called, their legs crossed, pausing the scribbling on their clipboard for a moment to regain my attention. I look up, a bit caught off guard. “Are you alright? You look distracted.” They look worried.

 I try to brighten up a bit, “Yeah, actually I am. I had the nightmare again.” I respond, sinking into the ridiculously comfortable couch and messing around the with tangler toy from their fidget toy basket.

 “Again? Was it the same as last time?” they pushed on, taking notes once more.

 “Not exactly. This time she was crying, and there was a crowd behind the police lines and camera crews too.” I tried to speak clearly, pulling around on the toy, “They all started looking at me and filming me when I got out of the building this time.”

 Hanji’s brow creases in concern, “And how did you react to that?”

 “I didn’t,” I responded flatly, still playing with the colorful toy. Dr. Hanji writes down some more things on their paper then looks back up at me. The light acoustic music playing over the speakers is calming, but I can’t keep myself from feeling anxious. “I did the same thing as last time, then Eren woke me up and saw i had been crying.”

 “Have you told Eren about the nightmares?” Hanji asked curiously, “Or anyone else in your family?”

 I shook my head slowly, “It’s still just you and dad. Eren knows about them but he doesn’t know what they’re about. But after this morning I feel like he might ask me about them tonight. He was really worried about me.”

 “That’s not always such a bad thing. Sometimes confiding in another person is helpful to the situation.” Hanji explains, “His worrying only disproves the idea you’re so worried about. He cares about you Jean, they all do, you couldn’t possibly be a burden to your family.”

 “Yeah, I suppose so…” I say absently, I stopped playing with the toy.

 “Jean?” Hanji calls and I don’t answer right away.

 “Jean?” they call again and I look at them, “Let’s talk about your milestones. Are you still clean?”

 “Almost 3 months, I think,” I say and turn my attention back to the toy as they scribble down on their paper again.

 “And your dissociations? Are they more or less frequent than they were since our last meeting?” they ask.

 “More,” I respond. Hanji’s pen scraped against the board then they looked up at me, playing with the toy again.

 “You can keep that one if you want.” they offered and I looked up at them, “It looks like it helps you. Oh! Here take this one too.” They stand up and move over to the basket, looking through the abundance of toys before pulling out a small cube, “This is called a Fidget Cube, they came out rather recently, I carry a handful of them for my more distracted clients, but we have a lot this month so you can take it home too.”

 I blink a few times at the cube. It was white, with blue buttons and joysticks and switches on each face. “Really?” I asked, looking back up at them sort of hopefully.

 “Really.” Hanji said with a bright smile, setting the toy in my hands then sat back down in their chair, “Jean how old are you again?”

 “16. 17 this April,” I responded. “My mom said we’d have a party on the beachfront this year.”

 “Are you excited?” they asked, writing me a note to get back into school.

 “I don’t know. I love the beach, and I like parties, but I don’t know that I like getting older.” I shrugged, stuffing the toys in my hoodie pocket.

 “But as you get older, you get to watch everything else grow with you too. That’s one of the wonders of life, Jean. You get to experience it.” They say calmly, smiling lightly as they hand me the slip, “We’re out of time for today. You remember what floor your dad is on right? It’s floor 8. Here’s the bill too, be sure to hand it to him.”

 I nodded at them, “Thank you Dr. Hanji.” I give them a smile and head up to Dad’s office.

 I always forget just how huge Dad’s hospital is. I get strange looks from the patients and some of the newer nurses as I pass by them. I don’t blame ‘em though, Eren once told me that my face makes me look really pissed off all the time. Then I stepped on his foot and told him that his face makes him look like an idiot all the time.

 I pass by the gift store and to the elevators, pressing the button and entering quickly but unfortunately getting caught on it with another patient as well (I could tell because he had a nurse- a very muscular nurse at that- with him and an IV). He was _really_ tall and a bit tan, but he looked to be about my age. Honestly he looked really sweaty, but maybe that was just like a side effect of medicine or something, I dunno. They got off on floor 4, thank God, but not before giving me some kind of sympathy look. Like what the hell? I don’t need your pity.  

 The rest of the ride was uneventful, I made it to the 8th floor and greeted Petra as I always did. She then let me through to the patient rooms and reminded me which way Dad’s office was. Make a right, first on the left, just like always. I knocked on the door and opened when he invited me in, only to see Nurse Levi and him conversing.

 “Good Morning, Levi,” I said with a slight smile. Nurse Levi- despite the horrible rumors about him- is my favorite for a few reasons.

 

  1. He speaks French.
  2. He doesn’t pretend to pity me.
  3. Despite his mean surface, he’s actually very caring.
  4. He knew my (real) mom as well, they went to community college together.



 

He looked at me through an ‘annoyed’ look, “You look like a mess. Have you been sleeping well?”

 I smirked at him and gave him a shrug, “About as well as always.” This made dad smile a bit. “Dad I have the bill from Hanji,” I remembered, setting it on the desk.

 “You sure are lucky that Hanji thinks your boy is special, she gives you guys a ridiculous discount.” Levi scoffed.

 “I think it has more to do with us all being friends from college…” Grisha laughed, “Jean are you ready to go?” I nodded at him and waved goodbye to Levi and Petra as we left.

 

 

* * *

 

Trost High-school has always been the same. Despite the size of Rose count, I’ve always had the same class of 120 people from kindergarten and up. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin? I’ve known them my whole life. They made up for the family members I lacked, they never left my side, not even once.

  _“It’s always the same school, the same town, the same group of people. Nothing's ever changed.”_  I think, standing idly as Grisha signs me into school before sending me off with a kiss on my head and some money for lunch.

  _“Same class. Same Schedule. All the time, there’s nothing different here. Not in Trost, not in my life. It’s like some kind of time loop.”_ I walk upstairs, headphones in my ears listening to acoustic music to try to slow down my surrounding.

  _Everything’s going so fast, why do I feel so slow? Why is everyone talking so fast? Moving so quickly…_  I think, beginning to panic as I turn to the main hall. The few stragglers in the hall speeding past me. I know what this is, it’s nothing new, I’m used to this kind of dissociation but it always comes as a surprise to me. Why now?

 My breathing became more difficult, more labored but I wouldn’t let it show. My sight feels glossed over as I set my hand on the handle to my class and push down on it.

  _It’s okay, this is the same. This always happens, calm down._

 I try to look clear as I open the door and look into the class.

 “Oh! Jean, there you are!” Ms. Isle acknowledges as I hand her my slip, “You’re just in time! I’d actually like a favor of you. Could you show around our new student? It’s my understanding you two have similar schedules.”

 I knit my brow, “New student?” I ask cautiously, looking over to where I can hear Eren, Mikasa, and Armin talking excitedly. I see the three of them surrounding someone I’ve never seen before.

He looks tall, maybe an inch or two more than I. He’s rather pale, but his skin is littered in freckles. Like constellations in the sky, I can’t take my eyes away from him. His collar bones peek out from the loose sweater he’s wearing and I follow up. His jawline, his lips, his rosy cheeks to the thick eyebrows hidden behind his wavy, black, middle-parted hair until I meet his chocolate brown eyes. My body feels warm and I suddenly feel very vulnerable. But everything around me has slowed down again and I can breathe evenly.

 “Yes, he’s just moved in last week.” I can hear Isle speaking next to me, “His name is Marco Bodt.”

  _Marco Bodt…_ I think as he pulls his lips to a smile and waves, helping the trio to notice me and wave at me to join them.  

  _Well, that’s new._

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed!  
> Marco's POV will be the next chapter. 
> 
> Jean = odds  
> Marco = evens
> 
> occasionally there may be a bonus chapter with Eren or another character's POV (we'll see lol)
> 
> my tumblr is @velociraptorexx (please don't hesitate to contact me with questions!)


End file.
